Necessary Humiliation

I have been told not to dwell or be consumed by failure, as failure due to taking risks shapes and propels you forward.

My most recent rejection was quite humbling and I forced myself to sit here and write about it so that my ego may be deflated publicly.

Some of you may know that I applied to be part of the 2011 Teach for America Corps. I spoke confidently of going to Hawaii or a Native American reservation to spend two years teaching in under-served elementary schools. On my resume sent to the corps, I boasted of a 6 month leave of absence to perform a similar teaching mission in South Korea, 3 years of teaching workshops and leading discussion sections for education classes at UCLA, analytical experience as a Morgan Stanley intern, social justice awareness as a researcher/organizer for the United Farm Workers labor union, sports writer for my school newspaper, numerous awards and highest academic honors…it never entered my mind that I would be rejected. Memorizing the website and characteristics the program was looking for, I thought I performed well at the interview and responded to all the questions asked of me. There was no way I would be rejected! I was the ideal candidate! I looked forward to November 9^th and receiving a welcoming email or a congratulatory call. Instead, I received a short message thanking me for my efforts and website links to recommended organizations.

Immediately, I felt embarrassed and shocked. What was I going to tell others? What should I do next? I have a comfortable finance job right now, but desire for more. Embarrassment to confusion to panic. My immediate response was to create other plans. Law enforcement? Should I take the Foreign Service exam sooner than I had desired? Time to call up the alumni contacts I had built at IBM and other organizations while I was a student. Then, I stopped.

I need to respond, not react. Pray to my sovereign God and meditate on his word. Realizing how imperfect I am in my relationships with others and myself. My natural characteristics are selfishness, pride, and rivalry. Only by the grace of God can I be loving, composed, and at peace. I fail all the time, but that doesn’t stop me from striving forward to be a man after God’s heart.

This rejection was a very needed reminder of my humanity and the need to fight my sense of entitlement. No matter how much I try to qualify and equip myself for the world, I am still in the hands of God. Remember the church of Ephesus, and don’t forget your first love.

Another rejection, yes. Another obstacle, yes. Another revelation of God’s sovereignty and the trivial pursuit of human decoration.

Any accomplishment going forward....may it reflect the undeserved grace that has been poured onto me.