Finals

The dining table.

Jon Kang.

Desperate...

One more final to go!

So, today was quite the day, as far as a finals day can go.

These past few days have been very unrepresentative of my usual schedule as I have been sleeping in the wee hours of the morning (around 3) and waking up 3-4 hours later. This was done all in the pursuit of studying for my final exams. Well, it finally caught with me. This morning I jumped out of bed to proceed to the living room to get some much needed studying before an exam at 11. As I opened up "The Valley of Vision" in order to prepare myself for a short bible study and intense study session, these were the prayers I read:

"Thou hast made man for the glory of thyself,

and when not an instrument of that glory,

he is a thing of nought;

No sin is greater than the sin of unbelief,

for if union with Christ is the greatest good,

unbelief is the greatest sin...

Lord, keep me from committing the greatest sin in departing from him,

for I can never in this life perfectly obey and cleave to Christ.

When thou has takest away my outward blessings, it is for sin,

in not acknowledging that all that I have is of thee,

in not serving thee through what I have,

in making myself secure and hardened.

Lawful blessing are the secret idols, and do more hurt;

the greatest injury is in the having,

the greatest good is in the taking away."

I continued reading for another 2 pages and was in the state of having been rebuked as well as comforted. The final I was about to take, admittedly, I was very unprepared for and dreaded every single minute leading up the exam. Since this class was a math econ auction and choice class for Math Econ majors, I was highly unprepared for the countless equations, baynesian nash equilbriums, expected payments, and participation fees (I was confident with second price auctions, pay-per-click auctions, and top trading cycles). Well, after my timely read and bible study, my body denied me access to my energy; thus, I collapsed on the couch holding a cup of tea and notes in hopes that I would wake up in time and study more. Well, like usual, nothing went to plan, and I rushed to my final on campus.

Three hours later I walked out of the class 15 minutes before everyone was required to turn in the final and was devastated. This was the first time I knew I had almost no idea what I was doing on the final and was absolutely positive that I had done extremely poorly on it. After shooting hoops and complaining about the difficulty of the final with Mark, I was at peace. Shooting hoops and letting out my frustration had little to do with the peace that I had. The peace arose from my complete faith in the sovereignty of God and that regardless of what I do, God's plans will be carried out. So what if I feel that I had just failed my final? So what if I fail the class? So what if I don't graduate summa cum laude? I have the greatest assurance that I can ever have, and that brings me peace.

I had tried my best and studied in hopes of forwarding glory and praise to God. But you know what, I can still do that even if I feel I did poorly on the test. Instead of stressing excellence itself and the danger of the building of my pride; my pursuit of being excellent need only be founded in the one above. All glory goes to my Lord whether I do well or am crushed. For I am a man, and it is a blessing to be crushed because it reminds me of my frail state and need for a savior.

Just a little bit more...

Two weeks from now I will have only one more finals week to endure at UCLA. Epic. Admittedly, I am very disengaged from campus; not knowing what is being shown at Royce, what events are happening on campus, no idea how our sports teams are doing, and rarely meeting up with professors who I used to see every week. Could I possibly be infected with the well known affliction of senioritis? It appears to be so. Although I still wake up early and do my thing in the morning, I am definitely not getting as much work done as I would like. What is more troubling is that in my comfort, any desire to indulge myself in theoretical questioning has mitigated to the point that I am too often a potato-brain (full of starch, but no variety of flavors). Other than the indolent state of my mind, I have enjoyed this quarter as I have discovered the joys of yoga (I'm definitely signing up for it again), purchased a nice camera that I plan on educating myself about, spending more time with my parents and home (I go home almost every weekend and have spent hours with my parents at their business), attended as many Sojourners meetings as I could, apartment life (spending at least an hour a day laughing my head off), and becoming more comfortable articulating my thoughts after a 6 month hiatus of not being able to do so.

On a side note, Cho and I will be going to Austin, Texas once my finals are over in a couple of weeks. With no plans, we have no idea what to anticipate. Perhaps volunteering at a soup kitchen, eating some southern food, walking around the town, drinking a couple of beers, and enjoying our beds at a local motel will be in the agenda. I'm pretty excited.

Anyways, I should get back to studying...peace!

Good Experience

Here I am, once again, in my empty apartment.

Meals, TV shows, late-night studying sessions, and moments continually pass by.

Good experiences. After recalling a short story to a friend, he had replied: must have been a good experience. Upon hearing that description, I became irritated. It bothered me for a while. Why was I so annoyed by the term "good experience?"

Was it because the term appears to be descriptive of a fleeting occurrence?

Was it because I felt that my friend did not understand the experience I had experienced?

Or was it because I believed labeling something as a good experience is utterly inadequate to describe the series of events or event?

Probably a little bit of all of those reasons. However, I have become more aware that my irritability towards the term "good experience" is that my life has been characterized by a pursuit of good experiences. This pursuit has been the center of my attention for probably most of my college career. In high school I was always envious of all the activities that those around me were able to participate and become active in. The reason being is that I was home alone most of the time and had few resources to participate in research, write in the newspaper, take community college courses, and more. As a result, subconsciously and consciously, I became very aggressive during college to satisfy all my desires of having "good experiences." These would include writing for the school paper, working for a labor union, participating in congressional bill rallies, studying abroad, developing workshops for students, running the marathon, trying fencing and yoga, camping out for basketball games, working in a fancy office for wealth management, teaching in Korea, going to missions in China, and so much more. Although I am glad I pursued all these things, I reflect and realize it was all for me. All these experiences have shaped how I see, interact, and communicate with everything around me, but I am quick to acknowledge that all these pursuits for completely for my gain (perhaps at times I may have fooled myself it was for others). Maybe this is why I became irritable at the term "good experience." The term reminds me of my pride and inner desire to strengthen my reasons to be prideful.

I admit, I am a weak and pathetic fool.

Eager to learn and be part of what is to come, here I am.

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are,so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 26-31

Identities

We, as in humans, are quite unique.

I took a look at my dog and realized he has very few identities that he is considering at any given moment. You are either one of his family members, friends (basically my dad and me), suspicious beings (my house gardeners, postal workers, and some of my friends), or a living being worthy of biting (mice, possums, birds, lizards, you get the point).

For us identities that we are dealing with simultaneously extend from ones that we can affect(political views, religion, friends, school, vocation) and ones that we have very little say over (our ethnicity, physical height, family). We associate very strongly with our identities as seen through genocides and crusades, or even the common college football game.

These identities can all exist within us, but when push comes to shove...Which identity stands before all others?

You decide.

Graduation Looming

Now, it's my turn.

Plans are altered, dreams are shifted, relationships are developed, experience is gained, and graduation is now looming.

The once casual "What are you doing after college" questions are turning into the more serious "What are you doing after college" questions. On paper the questions seem the same; however, the timing makes all the difference.

"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth" (Proverbs 27)

From union organizing to private wealth management, my plans have swayed constantly throughout college. Exposure to a multitude of fields has left me dazed...What should I pursue? What is God's plan for me?

Ultimately, I am to pursue after God and in this, glorify him. Be a man after God's own heart, just like King David.

So what are my plans? I trust and have faith that God's plans will be sovereign over mine, so let my plan be at his mercy. Praying for discernment and guidance, I am at the mercy of a sovereign God, thank goodness.

Long-term is school planting, in countries and regions where literacy and opportunities are hard to come by, in order to spread the gospel message through students and then to families.

I am aware of living in a dynamic world where circumstances and situations shift in response to an almighty God. Open to new opportunities, paths, and experiences, I am excited for what is to come. At the same time, a bit apprehensive for the unknown. Regardless, I am but a weak servant in the hands of a mighty master.

"Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (James 1)

"What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it? (1 Corinthians 4)

The Dream that was Korea

During my orientation program in Korea I heard over and over again to be prepared for reverse culture shock when I return to the states. Falling back on my past experience in England and France, I thought that reverse culture shock is very much a myth. However, after returning home, reverse culture shock has been very active in my mind.

Reverse culture shock, getting used to home again, missing the temporary home abroad, or whatever you want to call it...there is one thing in common: There are times of extreme longing for something I can't point my finger at. As I go through my busy routine, the idea that I was even in Korea and all that I experienced wisps away as if it never happened. But random small events trigger a longing for once was my regular life in the past 6 months. These random events include emails from Korean co-teachers, seeing elementary students walking around, messages from friends made in Korea, movies, and more. It's time to be honest. As much as I wanted to come back home, I fell in love with Korea. I can still see my students running around me pelting me with snow balls, the excitement in their eyes as we play Mafia, me making silly dances for Row, Row, Row your Boat, and taking Gosuk buses all over Korea. People ask how I am adjusting. I am adjusting fine if that means doing my usual routine and doing what needs to be done. However, my heart still aches for once was. As time passes, Korea is becoming more and more of a dream. A dream easily recalled, but becoming less and less real.

Forever in my heart, a tribute to Jangpyeong.

Rushing forth

Finally, a moment to myself.

These past few weeks have been a drastic shift from my serene lifestyle in the Korean countryside. My last week in Korea was spent in my father's hometown of Suwon, watching dramas with my grandmother, visiting friends in Seoul, watching movies, hiking with my cousins, and saying my goodbyes to relatives.

As I approached my date of departure, I was reminded of how uncomfortable I am towards goodbyes and reunions. While some people like to stretch these events out, I like the subtle nature of a simple hello and see you later. It may seem as though I am cold or obtuse; however, I am merely trying to flee my feelings of discomfort. Selfish, yes. Malicious, never. Perhaps subconsciously I am afraid of great reunions or departures because of events in my life. Regardless, I am very fond of those around me, but it may not appear so at hello and goodbye.

Well, here I am back in Los Angeles.

First week: moved into my apartment in Westwood, helped my friend get engaged, witnessed another close friend get a girlfriend, discovered my favorite hiking trail burned down, and more.

Second week: start school, get accustomed to my schedule, buy books, daily reunion dinners, buy and set up a new car battery for my Honda, wait in line for a parking pass, and more to come.

Busy, yes. Drained, no. I do have to admit that I love my moments alone (I think I wrote about my introverted nature in a previous post). Rushing forth, I have had few to no moments to reflect on where I am at this point. The beginning of a new year marks the beginning of a new school year, a new home, new schedule, and a career. Thankfully, some things are never new.