My B

I got a B in an economics class that I took last quarter. The class was a mathematics econ class. Don't worry, this is not a sob story that we all despise about a student complaining about receiving a B.

Here is the tale of my B.

I had just come back from Korea and I was in the process of choosing economics courses to finish up my quarter. In the process, I made one of the best choices and one of the worst. I signed up for a class with one of my favorite professors who is despised on Bruinwalk (UCLA's website for student to review professors). His classes are the ones I love going to (despite being 3 hours long), and I learn more about applicable economics. I also know that I will need to process a lot of information, think for myself, and have mastery over the material to do well in the class. The next class was a mathematics econ class that I had never heard of before, but the professor had rave reviews on Bruinwalk. Every review claimed he was easy and straightforward. Something that I know, but always have to remind myself: don't always trust Bruinwalk.

My first and only motivation to taking the math econ class was because of the reviews telling me that the class was easy. That should have sent a red signal to my mind. I was never a believer in easy classes; instead, trying to take challenging classes in order to challenge my mind and resolve.

The first lecture was utterly confusing. The entire lecture composed of the professor writing down equations and proving something called the Top Trading Cycle using calculus. I was perplexed, but decided to stick it through because this class was supposed to be easy and probably everyone else was just as confused as I was. The next few weeks of lectures continued the same way, me being confused at the end but taking comfort in my assumption that others were just as confused. Suddenly, it was midterm week. As I studied and grasped the theoretical foundations of the problems, I walked into the exam feeling confident. A week later I learned that I had been given a score of 95 out of a 100. So, red light number two began blinking but I ignored it. My pride and false humility had me not showing anyone else my score, but reveling in my score when I heard of scores below mine. I thought to myself: If I could get a 95 on an exam I was very confused about, this class is a piece of cake.

Over the next few weeks this class progressed into a complete mathematics seminar. There were no longer any theoretical bases I could attach to and I was even more confused than the previous weeks. I learned that this class was previously only offered to math econ majors (of which I certainly am not), but due to budget cuts the class was opened to all majors of any economic discipline. I was not only confused, but surrounded by others who knew a lot more about economic proofs than I and had already taken similar classes. No wonder the reviews said the class was easy! Well, the math econ course turned into exactly what it was meant to be: a comprehensive math nightmare. Just to straighten it out, I am pretty decent at math...but I really had no idea what was going on in the class after the midterm.

As finals approached I began to panic. I took comfort in my study group as we put together formula sheets for symmetric nash equilibriums and other things I don't remember. Well, exam time came and I was blown away. Halfway through the exam, I was tempted to go to the professor and ask if I could just have the class graded pass/fail for me. It was that bad. Ending the exam early (I typically never do that), I walked out in complete disgust. That was the most difficult exam I had ever taken because I had no idea how to answer half the questions. You know when people say they think they failed it, but they know the didn't? Well, I told those around me I think I failed it because I really did think I failed it.

Two weeks later, I'm given a B in the class. A grade I do not deserve.

First, I went into the class with the wrong motivations (not to learn the most I can, but rather to get an A).

Second, pride growing in me after a pretty good midterm score.

Third, blaming the professor for a hard exam and the school not informing students that this class was all numbers based.

But, I was shown grace. Although this B is the lowest grade I received in college, I am so grateful. If I was the professor and a student had the same heart as I had in the class, I would've been very harsh.

So for you college students: check your heart. Not only in choice of classes, but in your relationships and interactions with your thoughts and motivations.

Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Dirty Laundry

I love the feeling of doing laundry. Since it is manual labor that results in a visibly clean final product, I feel satisfied and accomplished every time I fold my warm, dry, and clean clothes.

Since I came back from Korea, I've been going to my parent's home in La Crescenta almost every weekend. Going home has always relaxed me as I can spend time with my dog and just take care of the necessary things, like doing my laundry. While I'm at it, I usually wash the dishes and do my parent's laundry. The very small act of doing their laundry (my dad doesn't notice at all) results in me feeling good about helping them in a seemingly trivial way and also is appreciated by my step-mother. In the beginning of Winter quarter, I began going to help at my dad's market in downtown on Saturdays. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning and coming home at 10 in the evening, I am amazed at the perseverance of my parents. Just doing what they do once a week results in me being very tired and drained, almost unable to do anything the next day. They've been doing this 6 days a week for who knows how long. Beyond my comprehension. These days studies have prevented me from going, but really it's an excuse...I know how tired I will at the end of the day. Far from being a perfect son, I hope and strive to serve my parents obediently and find ways to make their lives a little easier. Man, I am so thankful for them.

In this blog I've recognized my sister and my father, now I think it's time to recognize another very big part of my family, my step mother. The more I age, the more my respect for her grows.

I still cannot comprehend why she joined our family. First, a man who could not promise economic security and just recently lost his wife of around 20 years. Second, a would-be daughter already in college and very much in love with her recently deceased mother. Third, me, a young boy in middle school who was in his rebel state of adolescence and just plain narrow-minded.

There is no possible way that these past years with us have been easy for her. Managing a household, supporting her parents, looking after new children that she didn't ask for, and a whole different household and environment.

She has such a big heart and if I only took the time to appreciate and talk to her earlier would I have realized the degree of her commitment to God, her integrity, her perseverance, and her strength. Under her care, I have learned and grown so much and I attribute much of my character to her example. This does not take away from the immense influence my father, sister, and those around me have had on my development. This does not mean that I look up to her more than my birth mother in heaven. I am merely stating something that has been difficult to grasp and proclaim for a long time. I love and respect my step-mother. Who she is and what she represents is a woman saved by grace, who shows and gives grace to all those around her.

I respect and love my parents very much, and even if the time we spend together is in silence, I treasure every moment.

What a Great Time

Alright folks, this is it. We are in a precious time period. We are so fortunate.

There are countless moments of complaining; wishing for change or an atmosphere in which shifts are expected. Well, here we are.

We are in the midst of a Great Depression. These times will shape and direct the course of the next generations. If you want a test, here it is. Are we up to the challenge? Few people have the opportunity, yes I said opportunity, to live as young adults who are the next leaders in a great depression. Risks? Now is the time to take them.

With unemployment rising, future taxes inevitable, and a scramble for ownership of the global economy, things don't look too bright. However, stars shine brightest in the dark. Let us truly be the light of the world.

We are not entitled to anything. We are not more special than our parents. We may not have the same living standards as in our youth. However, in these urgent times, we have been given a special opportunity to respond to a special trial.

Let us not assume that government can solve our problems; quite the contrary, government can cause a more convoluted result. Instead, let us be diligent in knowing the Articles of Confederation and upholding the desires of our forefathers. I admit to being a Libertarian when it comes to economics, but I have much respect to other views.

Regardless, we must be prepared to sacrifice and deny our constant desire for material goods in order to invest in a different economic state of the world.

Luke 9:25

"For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?"

Take care of what we have been given responsibility over. As a young man aspiring to be a father, I must take care of my future wife and children. All along the way, living a God-centered life dedicating myself to following his commands and being loyal to authority set above me.

Austin, Texas

For spring break, Cho and I decided to use our free tickets to head to Austin, Texas. So let me get the list of things we did and saw out of the way: University of Texas, Lydon B, Johnson's Library, Downtown Austin, Capitol Building, Barton Springs, kayaking, laser tag, lots of good food, rodeo, and more. All of these were good, but what was reality of our trip to Austin?

From the beginning, I was shaken up and had to rely on God's grace. The night before our flights, my apartment mates and I went to Koreatown to play Left for Dead and a PC room. 3 hours later we beat the game and returned exhausted to the apartment in the wee hours of the morning. Cho and I planned to leave at 4:45 AM to catch my morning flight to Austin. Ignoring our alarms, I awoke in panic as I looked at my clock that said 5:20 AM. I rushed to wake up Cho and Jon (who was dropping us off) and finished up packing my stuff very quickly. We rushed out of the apartment and headed to LAX. As I tried to check-in, the machine would not let me print my boarding pass...thankfully, I found an attendant who let me cut in line and helped me out. As he helped me, he told me that he doubts I will catch my flight as the line pass the security gates was super long. Regardless, I ran to the security gates and rushed through the line and made it 5 minutes before the boarding gate was about to close. A person running 2 minutes behind me was actually the last person and said that he had actually taken 30 minutes to get through the security gate, while I had only taken 5 (I arrived way later then he did to the airport). Man, totally God's grace.

In Austin, Cho and I were lost as we looked for our motel. However, the whole time I was reassured because of the morning. Eventually one hour later, we walked up to our motel and headed downtown.

Our trip to Austin consisted of mastering the Metro bus system (we took public transportation everywhere), meeting very friendly bus drivers (allowed us to sleep and would let us know when our stop came up), talking to interesting people (one man who was a freshman at Kent State during the shooting), enjoying the simples pleasures of eating to-go food on our beds, watching basketball games, watching Modern Family together, and waking up whenever we wanted. We didn't eat BBQ every day and we didn't go to bars. However, we did have a great time in a great city and I can honestly tell anyone that Austin is an awesome place to live and visit.

Go Longhorns!

Do not read if disgusted by feces

I've heard some people tell me that if there are opposites in a relationship then those two attributes contradict each other and invalidate the relationship. Basically, a negative and a plus negate each other.

Today's run outside revealed that this is not necessarily the case. As I went outside to run a couple miles in beautiful weather, I encountered an obstacle 2 miles away from home. I needed to go poo, very badly. Suddenly the sweat pouring down my face from running was replaced by sweats of nervousness and desperation. Praying to God to let me get home...I thought to myself there is no way on my own strength I will be able to hold it in. 2 miles later and 10 very relieving minutes later, I was grateful for everything. It's these simple moments that make me appreciate the polarities in my life, or what one could say: the existing opposites. I hate having to use the restroom, but I also love, or should I say need, those moments in order to truly experience and fill myself with the goodness of going to the restroom. I hate feeling hungry and not having food around me, but I also love those moments because I know that I will be able to savor every flavor and bite of any morsel of food that enters my mouth. Perhaps it is a time sensitive thing, an increasing marginal return to every added unit of desperation. All I know is that despite my dislike of capricious states on the surface, the fickleness in itself allows me to live.

There will be times of struggle ahead of me, but my faith in God's sovereignty allows me to anticipate the times of complete grace.

Finals

The dining table.

Jon Kang.

Desperate...

One more final to go!

So, today was quite the day, as far as a finals day can go.

These past few days have been very unrepresentative of my usual schedule as I have been sleeping in the wee hours of the morning (around 3) and waking up 3-4 hours later. This was done all in the pursuit of studying for my final exams. Well, it finally caught with me. This morning I jumped out of bed to proceed to the living room to get some much needed studying before an exam at 11. As I opened up "The Valley of Vision" in order to prepare myself for a short bible study and intense study session, these were the prayers I read:

"Thou hast made man for the glory of thyself,

and when not an instrument of that glory,

he is a thing of nought;

No sin is greater than the sin of unbelief,

for if union with Christ is the greatest good,

unbelief is the greatest sin...

Lord, keep me from committing the greatest sin in departing from him,

for I can never in this life perfectly obey and cleave to Christ.

When thou has takest away my outward blessings, it is for sin,

in not acknowledging that all that I have is of thee,

in not serving thee through what I have,

in making myself secure and hardened.

Lawful blessing are the secret idols, and do more hurt;

the greatest injury is in the having,

the greatest good is in the taking away."

I continued reading for another 2 pages and was in the state of having been rebuked as well as comforted. The final I was about to take, admittedly, I was very unprepared for and dreaded every single minute leading up the exam. Since this class was a math econ auction and choice class for Math Econ majors, I was highly unprepared for the countless equations, baynesian nash equilbriums, expected payments, and participation fees (I was confident with second price auctions, pay-per-click auctions, and top trading cycles). Well, after my timely read and bible study, my body denied me access to my energy; thus, I collapsed on the couch holding a cup of tea and notes in hopes that I would wake up in time and study more. Well, like usual, nothing went to plan, and I rushed to my final on campus.

Three hours later I walked out of the class 15 minutes before everyone was required to turn in the final and was devastated. This was the first time I knew I had almost no idea what I was doing on the final and was absolutely positive that I had done extremely poorly on it. After shooting hoops and complaining about the difficulty of the final with Mark, I was at peace. Shooting hoops and letting out my frustration had little to do with the peace that I had. The peace arose from my complete faith in the sovereignty of God and that regardless of what I do, God's plans will be carried out. So what if I feel that I had just failed my final? So what if I fail the class? So what if I don't graduate summa cum laude? I have the greatest assurance that I can ever have, and that brings me peace.

I had tried my best and studied in hopes of forwarding glory and praise to God. But you know what, I can still do that even if I feel I did poorly on the test. Instead of stressing excellence itself and the danger of the building of my pride; my pursuit of being excellent need only be founded in the one above. All glory goes to my Lord whether I do well or am crushed. For I am a man, and it is a blessing to be crushed because it reminds me of my frail state and need for a savior.

Just a little bit more...

Two weeks from now I will have only one more finals week to endure at UCLA. Epic. Admittedly, I am very disengaged from campus; not knowing what is being shown at Royce, what events are happening on campus, no idea how our sports teams are doing, and rarely meeting up with professors who I used to see every week. Could I possibly be infected with the well known affliction of senioritis? It appears to be so. Although I still wake up early and do my thing in the morning, I am definitely not getting as much work done as I would like. What is more troubling is that in my comfort, any desire to indulge myself in theoretical questioning has mitigated to the point that I am too often a potato-brain (full of starch, but no variety of flavors). Other than the indolent state of my mind, I have enjoyed this quarter as I have discovered the joys of yoga (I'm definitely signing up for it again), purchased a nice camera that I plan on educating myself about, spending more time with my parents and home (I go home almost every weekend and have spent hours with my parents at their business), attended as many Sojourners meetings as I could, apartment life (spending at least an hour a day laughing my head off), and becoming more comfortable articulating my thoughts after a 6 month hiatus of not being able to do so.

On a side note, Cho and I will be going to Austin, Texas once my finals are over in a couple of weeks. With no plans, we have no idea what to anticipate. Perhaps volunteering at a soup kitchen, eating some southern food, walking around the town, drinking a couple of beers, and enjoying our beds at a local motel will be in the agenda. I'm pretty excited.

Anyways, I should get back to studying...peace!