Ungrateful Fool

Alarm goes off at 5:30...Wake up and see the darkness that is still the morning. Make breakfast, read the paper, and then off to downtown LA. Make my way through traffic, arrive at my building, take the elevator, and walk to my cubicle (I must add it's a very nice cubicle). Eat lunch with co-workers at 12:30 and then go back to work. At 5, drive home or meet up with people around the area. Sleep by 11.

On the surface, this encompasses my daily schedule. Just ended my first week of real full-time work, and still adjusting to the routine (feels a but like high school). It is sad, but I've discovered many people have become jaded in the workplace, and it has become a place of drudgery and responsibilities. And I have already begun the process of daily complaints and the yearning for lunch hour.

How dare I! I am so fortunate to be working and learning so much every day. I am blessed to be breathing (literally). I am blessed to have found work so quickly. I am blessed to have been given an opportunity to learn about risk management, credit analysis, portfolio management, and the entire process of asset-based lending, approvals, disbursements, and collection at a small and growing financing firm (factoring, letters of credit, insurance). I am blessed to have great co-workers, and a small group to do bible study after work every Monday in a board room looking over Los Angeles. I am blessed to have a family to go back to every day and share dinner. I am just super blessed and fortunate.

I will try my best to refrain from complaining; instead, strive to learn and pursue excellence in the work that I do.

Wake up at 530AM. Praise God for another day. Praise God constantly during the day. Make a positive impact on my workplace. Do not succumb to drudgery. Love, and then love some more.

Irrational Exuberance

Deciding to wait in line for a restaurant filled with people, acting as the S&P 500 spirals downward, stock market booms, animal spirits...irrational exuberance. If a group of people trigger the result of other groups following similar action, then the action is perpetuated and grows in magnitude. Whenever I see a line for something at the front which I cannot see, I am tempted to wait in line despite not knowing what awaits me at the end. When I see a group of people sprinting towards me in fear, I am going to run with them despite having no idea what they are running away from. In the case of the housing bubble, upward spiraling home prices spurred people to purchase homes (in some cases multiple) in the hopes of selling the homes at a profit a short period of time later. This increasing demand for houses that pushed prices upward was artificial as the purchased houses were to be added to the supply soon after purchase. As this process continued for a few years, and many people were making money easily, a rumor arose among the public that real estate was recession-proof and a fool-proof investment due to the fact that people need shelter. However, the irrational exuberance of the whole episode points to the eventually stabilization of prices and the loss of available capital (perceived) to homeowners.

While at Cambridge, I still remember one of my finance professors saying: stocks are like cows. I assume he used this term not only to describe irrational exuberance of stock price fluctuations and booms, but also the implication that investors can have the brain capacity/ability of a cow when it comes to stocks.

Is it really irrational to follow mindlessly after a group? Yes, if you are in a position of having contradicting information, flexible time, a cynical state of mind, being the factor causing the movement, and a few other positions. However, it is also rational to follow mindlessly after a group if you are in a case of asymmetric information, believe that others have undergone the rationalization process, or even for the sake of just following others with the mindset that if you win, we all win, and if we lose, we all lose.

Irrational exuberance and rational movement is merely dependent on position. Behavioral finance attempts to predict certain movements and allocations; knowledge of the subject's perspective and position is crucial. Do you see the glass half full or half empty? That depends on your position, in reality and theory.

Position. Perspective. Before judging the perceived irrational exuberance, let us be partial to the factors that may not be in front of us...we must learn to be more empathetic to peoples' cases.

Birthday

Welcome to Montrose

Cho loves his ice cream trash bins.

Waiting...

For dinner.

Tri-tip roast.

I forgot what this was called.

Dinner...forgot to include our waiter, my elementary school friend.

In the streets of Montrose.

MIT crew with the Dane Cook-like comedian.

We love the Laugh Factory.

Laugh Factory in Hollywood...PK was an awesome host!

Hey oldie. How do you feel now that you're 22? Marriage soon, eh?

These are a few of the common things I've heard said to me on my birthday, or days around the date. O yes, and happy birthday.

As a summer baby, I used to be jealous in elementary school of the other children who had their birthday during the school year and had the class sing for them during a coveted school day. However, I soon realized being a summer baby was a blessing in disguise, as it complemented my realized image of my birthday. The truth is that I don't like putting much attention on my birthday, and desire to make it a casual celebration to appease my friends, family, and my own desire of something out of the ordinary. Don't get me wrong, I encourage celebration of birthdays. We need occasions that facilitate the process of celebration, and celebrating the day of someone's birth is worthy and justified.

So, I'm 22 now. Except now, it is no longer marking a year of progression in school; instead, it marks the beginning of my professional life post-college. So, does it feel different to be 22? It is because of the circumstances. If I was 22 yet still had a year left in college, I do not imagine it to feel much different than 21. However, my 22 is experienced and seen differently because it marks a different era in my life. As enjoyable, disciplining, and exposing my past years have been, I sincerely believe that the best years are ahead of me. Starting this year and beyond, it is time to make a tangible impact on my community, local and global.

Home

Dinner time! BBQ

DK's house

Stephen and my uncle.

So, I've been resting at home for the better part of a month.

The majority of my time is spent reading novels, watching Korean dramas, eating ice cream, and taking naps...all in the comfort of my home.

There are random outings: taking my cousin to the airport before he goes to Mongolia for a short term mission trip, DK's birthday surprise, going to my doctor check-ups, visiting the library, Al Joo's goodbye dinner, Adam and Suzie's wedding, and...that's all that comes to mind.

Resting at home is actually pretty exhausting. Waking up, eating, sleeping, reading, sleeping...is tiring. By the time my parents come back to feed me dinner (that's how it basically is because I eat the most), it seems as though I have the same amount of energy as they do (very little). It's actually pretty depressing. As much as I want to be lively and hip at night, my parents come home to a fully rested, yet extremely indolent, lethargic, and inept young man. If I was them, I would probably think...not something good. Instead, my parents are extremely patient with me and my dad is extremely accomodating to my condition. In fact, he is often the one who musters the energy to approach me and cheer me up. What a rebuke to me! Here is a guy who has just come back from working sunrise to late evening, and comes to encourage a guy in his prime youth who has spent the whole day eating and sleeping. Amazing.

Well, I am super thankful for such patient parents and happy to be recovering well. I was actually able to jog (veryyyy slowly) one mile this morning. My lungs haven't worked that hard for a while, so I was very drained when I came back home. I even boxed 3 rounds on the Wii :)

By next year and probably for the majority of the rest of my life, these moments at home with my parents will become quite desirable. Eating dinner together, watching Korean shows together, and spending our evenings together...as routine and insipid as these things appear to be, will become sought after memories in the coming years.

Home.

Graduation -pt1

Lingie and Daniel

Family and pastors from my youth

Walking away from what others look at...while returning to my seat

Each of us getting a chance to speak to family and friends.

What I said:

"Trumping my future plans is the fact that I am lucky to be here today...My lungs collapsed twice within the past 2 weeks, and more than anything I just want to say I love my family, friends, and everyone here for their support. We would not be here if it was not for all of you with us."

Not exactly how I planned to approach graduation or ever foresaw in my mind.

But in its own way, it was good.

Brevity

Cho and me enjoying my entrance into the ER

Insertion of the tube into my lung...Cho enjoys it

Jon enjoying the moment...

Little Tokyo before the 2nd collapse

Dinner before going to the ER

I will be brief. There is no possibility for me to explicate what went on in the past few weeks in this blog.

Going back to the previous entry...I was in a state of confusion. Why had my lung collapsed and how will I respond? I responded by residing back into my comfort zone and acting as though nothing had ever happened. As a result, God wanted to make sure that I learn and develop as he sees fit, and in his love, my lung collapsed a second time.

For 11 days, I was hospitalized at UCLA Santa Monica hospital and experienced a medley of emotional, physical, and spiritual episodes. First of all, I have to recognize the wonderful nurses who watched over me (baths, bathroom trips, food, medication, encouraging words). Nurses run hospitals. During my stay at the hospital, I was met with an unexpected outpouring of love from my church community, friends, and family. Despite the constant encouragement and community, my mind and body continued to suffer to the point that I wish that nobody I know has to go through the same thing. The tube inside of me linking me to the outside world made every movement painful, every trip to the bathroom tedious, eating unattractive, and sanity unattainable.

Though my stay in the hospital was quite cathartic physically and mentally, I am quite thankful for everything that has happened. Appreciation for life, breath, and the environment around me has grown exponentially. My response to a second chance at living inundates with full appreciation and vitality towards the present as well as what is to come. Discipline will continue, and I will gratefully accept it.

The future is bright. The present is just as bright. Pursue your goals in full acknowledgement that despite whatever you do, God's will is certain to govern your life...many times through the incessant and innumerable variables that are not in your control.

With a 10-15% chance of re-occurrence in my left lung, I am left uncomfortable and without control over what may happen in the future...and that is why I will live.

breathing

Every time I sin, recognize what I did, and then repent, I feel a bit apprehensive for what discipline is awaiting me.

Again, common theme of my life, my life has become comfortable. Urgent things are happening, yet I am not acting like a man with only one life to live and glorify Christ.

This morning as I walked with Jon Kang towards SAC to play Friday morning basketball, the right side of my body became tense and I doubled over with pain. It was as if a crane had come and crushed my right side. As my vision began to become dimmer with the seconds, I could feel something in me flutter over and over again. As I fell down on my knees on the sidewalk, I thought to myself: this is it, I'm leaving this world. As I limped over to the sidewalk to wait for Jon to bring his car to take me to the ER, I watched people pass by me looking at me with confusion, yet going on with their lives. Before heading to the ER I tried to walk to the Ashe center because I knew UCLA's policy was to have students first go to Ashe before any medical center. The 50 yards I walked to the Ashe center (which was closed) and the 50 yards back to Jon's car at the turnaround combined into the most difficult walking, hiking, or running experience in my life. Marathon? nothing. Walking through Spain? nothing. That walk exposed me as a vulnerable, helpless being. Amazingly I made it to Jon's car again, and we headed to the ER.

The next 2 days are kind of a blur to me. Had 3 different operations, one of them in which the doctor made a mistake. 8 chest x-rays. Being pushed through the hallways of the ER on a bed for the first time. Honestly, I cannot write everything that was going through my mind in this blog entry. I was trying to process so many different thoughts racing through my mind. Truthfully speaking, typing is very tiring to me as well as any physical activity.

Missed a case competition for my class, KCM senior banquet, church, and tons of other things in the near future. Man, I was dealing with my helplessness, and...just so much.

Just so I can take notes for future reference (this is for my own comprehension):

-weakness, strength

-assistance

-discipline

-tolerance

-breathing

-running, jumping

-despair

-urgency

-seek

I will be spending the next few days in solitude and in evaluation...

I will respond. God is my refuge, and to be feared.

To be continued with more introspection and a sane mind...