Necessary Humiliation

I have been told not to dwell or be consumed by failure, as failure due to taking risks shapes and propels you forward.

My most recent rejection was quite humbling and I forced myself to sit here and write about it so that my ego may be deflated publicly.

Some of you may know that I applied to be part of the 2011 Teach for America Corps. I spoke confidently of going to Hawaii or a Native American reservation to spend two years teaching in under-served elementary schools. On my resume sent to the corps, I boasted of a 6 month leave of absence to perform a similar teaching mission in South Korea, 3 years of teaching workshops and leading discussion sections for education classes at UCLA, analytical experience as a Morgan Stanley intern, social justice awareness as a researcher/organizer for the United Farm Workers labor union, sports writer for my school newspaper, numerous awards and highest academic honors…it never entered my mind that I would be rejected. Memorizing the website and characteristics the program was looking for, I thought I performed well at the interview and responded to all the questions asked of me. There was no way I would be rejected! I was the ideal candidate! I looked forward to November 9^th and receiving a welcoming email or a congratulatory call. Instead, I received a short message thanking me for my efforts and website links to recommended organizations.

Immediately, I felt embarrassed and shocked. What was I going to tell others? What should I do next? I have a comfortable finance job right now, but desire for more. Embarrassment to confusion to panic. My immediate response was to create other plans. Law enforcement? Should I take the Foreign Service exam sooner than I had desired? Time to call up the alumni contacts I had built at IBM and other organizations while I was a student. Then, I stopped.

I need to respond, not react. Pray to my sovereign God and meditate on his word. Realizing how imperfect I am in my relationships with others and myself. My natural characteristics are selfishness, pride, and rivalry. Only by the grace of God can I be loving, composed, and at peace. I fail all the time, but that doesn’t stop me from striving forward to be a man after God’s heart.

This rejection was a very needed reminder of my humanity and the need to fight my sense of entitlement. No matter how much I try to qualify and equip myself for the world, I am still in the hands of God. Remember the church of Ephesus, and don’t forget your first love.

Another rejection, yes. Another obstacle, yes. Another revelation of God’s sovereignty and the trivial pursuit of human decoration.

Any accomplishment going forward....may it reflect the undeserved grace that has been poured onto me.

Examination

I hoped this blog would be utilized to document any adventures I partake in outside of my normal routine. However, in the past few months my situation has been more of isolation. As a result, I have had many opportunities to examine myself.

Recently my good friend's parent passed away. I wondered how to reach out to him. Since I had lost a loved one before, shouldn't it be easier for me than others? Then I realized that the loss of my mother had been isolated within me for so long that I have been subconsciously affected by it to this present day.

It was right before my first winter break in junior high, and I was finishing P.E. getting ready to go home. Suddenly, the school intercom announces: "Jason Tae Hee Lee, please report to the office immediately." Never one to desire attention, I immediately went in fear of having done something wrong. As I get to the office, all the secretaries look at me with pitiful eyes, and I see my father in the corner of the room. He tells me that we need to go to the center where my mother is as this will be the last time I will see her again. As a 12 year old, my reasoning and cognitive abilities were limited as I never truly understood the gravity of the moment; instead, I just did what was expected of me and obeyed authority. So, I go along with my father to the center I have been visiting for the past month, and see my mother practically paralyzed on the bed. I'm told that she can't speak because she's so weak, but can hear everything being said. I ask for my dad and sister to leave the room, as the next 15 minutes will be the last 15 minutes of conversation I will ever have with my mother. What I said in that room will stay in that room, but I remember my mother's tears streaming down her face as my dad and sister came back into the room.

The next few years were the hardest in my life, but I didn't realize it. Instead, I was motivated by very simple things and tried to live as normal a life as I could.

I've been considering how to advise my friend, but I realize that I responded to my mother's death in a way...that I probably would not do again. I isolated myself, unintentionally isolating myself from anything that reminded me of her. No longer walking to school or spending time with my neighbor and one of my best friends Sean, making sure nobody saw me sad, not informing anyone around me about what had happened, avoiding displays of sympathy from others, and closing contact with rituals that were associated with my mom (watering the garden, eating healthy, etc etc). I am thankful in that I became closer with friends I had not spent as much time with, but at the cost of abandoning my old community. So many things happened during those next few years that I feel as though I may still be processing my responses. How I responded has left me very much an isolationist in trials and my approach to many of life's issues today.

Peter, don't be like me and isolate your life. Allow others to partake, learn, and struggle with you. That's what your community is for.

Temporal

I am truly thankful for the disarray, chaos, and dissatisfaction in the environment surrounding me.

Trials make me hold even tighter to God because of the recognition that my reliance is not dependent upon feelings of peace, happiness, and self-fulfillment. Most important is the recognition of my state as a sinner and the necessity for a savior.

In the recent past I have told myself that as a Christian man I must be excellent in all I do. As good as this sounded, I was blind to understand the foundation upon my statement. First, what is the standard measurement I am using to determine excellence? Admittedly, it was the approval, praise, and admiration of men. All of a temporal nature.

Excellence? Quite simple. Looking at the life of Jesus. God in the form of a man to live among his creation and save them. In everything, Jesus was quick to point the glory to his father in heaven. Submission to the will of God and steadfast faithfulness.

May I be excellent.

Random note:

In my daily planner, this quote by Margaret Thatcher came up:

"If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time and you would achieve nothing."

Striving

Boldness. Criticism. Compassion.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but not have love, I gain nothing.

[And this is what love is] Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

I am so unloving. May I be humble enough to love. Courageous enough to love. Ambitious enough to love.

Is the gospel offensive? Really? Get behind your pride and complete indulgence in your honor and see what the gospel means...

Grace, undeserved, given freely by God, through the acceptance of his Son...we must grasp our sinfulness before understanding the need to confess, and the necessity and pure goodness of grace.

Dream big o foolish creature.

Why?

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are,so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 26-31

Update

Beginning to appreciate the Dodgers.

Softball practice.

It's been almost a month since I've updated this blog, so I am now taking the time to jot down a few things in order to reflect upon in the future.

So, I've already been working at my financial firm for a month. I have my routine of waking up at 5:30, going to work, dropping by my the gym for a steam sauna session, and then sleeping by 11. During the week I have a Monday bible study with 3 co-workers, Tuesday Korean class, Wednesday late work days due to preparing a report for portfolio meetings on Thursday, and then the week coasts forward. In between there has been a financial district softball tournament, preparation for firm fantasy football, and random trips to go to Korea-town for lunch. My co-workers are all very cordial and friendly in all our short conversations. Company unwritten laws include buying breakfast for everyone with your first paycheck, buying breakfast when you come back from vacation, and buying breakfast when you make the accounting department work a little harder from a mistake you made. Common lunchroom talks range from complaining about car payments to discussing the latest merger. Overall, I am enjoying my experience, but would have to admit it is very different from academic life.

On a more serious note, I've noticed something missing in me ever since I came back from Korea. I began to consider...is it due to my lack of opportunity in the Korean countryside to articulate my thoughts to another English-speaking person...perhaps a slight shattering of my idealistic mindset...I am still in reflection. One thing is certain; I am definitely not the same person I was one year ago.

I value sincerity very highly; thus, I sincerely admit I am lacking in so many different aspects of my persona...So I pray constantly for empathy, love, and discernment.

The Lord is my shepherd. I am but a dumb sheep.

Play dead

My dog stares maliciously at the possum (who for some reason ran straight to my dog).

Escaping from the trash can.

In the trash can.

A few weeks ago my dad told me to follow him outside. Once we arrrived at our driveway, he opens up a trash can....and I look into the eyes of one of the ugliest creatures alive: a possum. Apparently, my dog had tackled and pinned down a possum last night. The possum had played dead, but my unaware dad put the possum into a bag to place into the trash can. When he opened the trash the next morning, the possum had come out of the bag and was eating our trash. My father and I then allowed the possum to escape by toppling over the trash can.

Interesting Sunday morning.

Ungrateful Fool

Alarm goes off at 5:30...Wake up and see the darkness that is still the morning. Make breakfast, read the paper, and then off to downtown LA. Make my way through traffic, arrive at my building, take the elevator, and walk to my cubicle (I must add it's a very nice cubicle). Eat lunch with co-workers at 12:30 and then go back to work. At 5, drive home or meet up with people around the area. Sleep by 11.

On the surface, this encompasses my daily schedule. Just ended my first week of real full-time work, and still adjusting to the routine (feels a but like high school). It is sad, but I've discovered many people have become jaded in the workplace, and it has become a place of drudgery and responsibilities. And I have already begun the process of daily complaints and the yearning for lunch hour.

How dare I! I am so fortunate to be working and learning so much every day. I am blessed to be breathing (literally). I am blessed to have found work so quickly. I am blessed to have been given an opportunity to learn about risk management, credit analysis, portfolio management, and the entire process of asset-based lending, approvals, disbursements, and collection at a small and growing financing firm (factoring, letters of credit, insurance). I am blessed to have great co-workers, and a small group to do bible study after work every Monday in a board room looking over Los Angeles. I am blessed to have a family to go back to every day and share dinner. I am just super blessed and fortunate.

I will try my best to refrain from complaining; instead, strive to learn and pursue excellence in the work that I do.

Wake up at 530AM. Praise God for another day. Praise God constantly during the day. Make a positive impact on my workplace. Do not succumb to drudgery. Love, and then love some more.