Taking the year off

Last day with Al Joo at Park's BBQ. Of course, it would rain that day.

First hockey game: LA Kings Vs Anaheim Ducks

As many are aware, I spent the last 2 weeks of my UCLA collegiate career in the hospital. From that period to now, I have categorized it as "my year off."

This year has been quite the journey. No, I didn't travel very far (furthest was Orange County). No, I didn't have any graded exams (Just some Korean language and acting classes for leisure). No, I didn't have any worries of my living situation as my parents graciously let me come back home (For the record, I love living at home with my parents). Regardless of the exclusion of common past worries, this year has definitely carried its own unique weight.

This past year has been a year of rest, rehabilitation, and re-focus. I have no homework, sauna sessions at my local gym, good job with supportive management, tae kwon do class, family dinners, ministry training, opportunities to really dive into God's word, and so much more. During these months of predictable routine, I have been able to really carve and re-focus on what is important to the sustainment of my soul. It at times seems like the calm before a storm.

At the same time, this rehabilitory period has been frustrating, testing my patience, and constantly shifting of any future plans. I have been exposed to my cowardice, pride, selfish ambition, complaints, indolence, apathy, loneliness, and dependence on that which is fleeting. Honestly, it was very frustrating when I couldn't run as fast as I wanted, sing as loud as I could, or deeply breathe. There is only thing that kept me sane. The only thing that has been constant. The only thing that I could depend on. That is the word of God.

My mind, my heart, my motives...change all the time. I am fickle, capricious, and any other term that exemplifies humanity. But it is God's word that has been with me during this time. I am still timid, shy, and lack the backbone to stand up for the one who is my sustenance.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still water. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. -Psalms 23

I will be first to admit my lack of righteousness. And that is why I need Christ and his grace. I am confident because I have the provision of Christ. I don't have all the answers to everyone's questions, or at least the answers that people are hoping to hear. Simply put, we have sinned, deserve hell, but with the grace of God, have the opportunity to spend eternity with our creator. This may sound crazy, but its what I hold dear.

My future plans have changed wildly in the past years.

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble...The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps... -Proverbs 16

May my plans be glorifying to God and that I may be built and molded into a man anointed and a light to this world. All I can do is be faithful, and go forward.

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -Winston Churchill

What a year off. What is meant by a year off? Every year carries its own lessons, challenges, relaxing moments, and the molding of one’s self.

I will continue to blog as one of my role models, Jimmy Carter, states in his old age that it is beneficial to share one's experiences and thoughts, especially, if one can learn from the sharing.

Randomness

Sister's baptism

Christina Song's Art Gallery Showing

Santa Monica Show

Al Joo

Me

Marky

So, it is 2011. At work, I remember being really happy when my co-worker told me that it was 1-11-11 on January 11, 2011. Simple, yes. It brought a smile to my face.

Many things have happened since my last post: Mark visited from Google land, my older sister's baptism, New Years get-together parties, concerts, birthdays, etc etc.

I've resorted to writing in a personal journal during that time and will continue to do so. As a result, I have been able to finally fill a journal with my thoughts...I checked the first page and it was dated June 9, 2008. This is pretty big because I tend to move journals frequently, and end up never completely using one (kinda like my relationship with chap stick).

Anyways, February has started and I hope to post more often that once a month.

Adios!

Whale fail.

Pointing...at nothing.

Nice Boats.

Taking the ferry...with the car parked on the ferry :)

Whale watching. 2.5 hours. No whales. 1 free voucher to go again.

We vowed to not go together next time. Instead, with a date. hehe :)

Tae Kwon Do

Im on the far right, holding the red jacket.

Much has happened since my last post; however, I will choose to focus on my present pursuit.

Last week I decided to start training in Tae Kwon Do. Why?

Consciously, I was tired of going to the gym every so often and lifting weights, swimming, and heading home. I wanted to train in something I could document my progress in as well as have an environment where I was allowed to hit things. It may seem nomadic...which it may be. But it feels good.

For those of you who don't know, I started Tae Kwon Do in 7th grade 3 months before my mom passed away. She had registered me in Karate in 1st grade, but I made sure that was a failure by way of hiding in the closet, underneath my bed, or behind a tree when Karate time came around. So, she tried again with Tae Kwon Do. After her passing, I became very involved in the art. With my dad's support, I went to the studio 5-7 days a week, riding my scooter on Saturday mornings and taking part in the Sunday bible study/training sessions that were offered. My life was school, homework, and tae kwon do. I was eventually awarded the best black belt trophy 2 times (after obtaining my black belt), but I think it had to do with my master trying to advertise the studio (I was a pretty good student at school, so he liked to read the recommendations at belt tests). Although I was not aware of it at the time, tae kwon do was my way of releasing stress and driving any negative energy towards my opponents. After training rigorously for more than 3 years in the martial art, I would stop because I didn't want to pay the steep $800 price for more advancement in the black belt.

7 years later I have returned. Thankfully my friend Bryan is an instructor at a studio near my house, so I have a good reason to go. After spending one week at the studio, I am working on regaining my form and technique, and was fortunate enough to participate in the Montrose Christmas Parade as a tae kwon do martial artist. Waving to people and helping lead the young tae kwon do students, I was in a parade for the first time in my life.

I don't have anything profound to say about the martial art except that it has helped me revitalize discipline in my life and allowed me the opportunity to build on a pastime that has played such a huge role in my life.

Tae! Kwon! Do!

Necessary Humiliation

I have been told not to dwell or be consumed by failure, as failure due to taking risks shapes and propels you forward.

My most recent rejection was quite humbling and I forced myself to sit here and write about it so that my ego may be deflated publicly.

Some of you may know that I applied to be part of the 2011 Teach for America Corps. I spoke confidently of going to Hawaii or a Native American reservation to spend two years teaching in under-served elementary schools. On my resume sent to the corps, I boasted of a 6 month leave of absence to perform a similar teaching mission in South Korea, 3 years of teaching workshops and leading discussion sections for education classes at UCLA, analytical experience as a Morgan Stanley intern, social justice awareness as a researcher/organizer for the United Farm Workers labor union, sports writer for my school newspaper, numerous awards and highest academic honors…it never entered my mind that I would be rejected. Memorizing the website and characteristics the program was looking for, I thought I performed well at the interview and responded to all the questions asked of me. There was no way I would be rejected! I was the ideal candidate! I looked forward to November 9^th and receiving a welcoming email or a congratulatory call. Instead, I received a short message thanking me for my efforts and website links to recommended organizations.

Immediately, I felt embarrassed and shocked. What was I going to tell others? What should I do next? I have a comfortable finance job right now, but desire for more. Embarrassment to confusion to panic. My immediate response was to create other plans. Law enforcement? Should I take the Foreign Service exam sooner than I had desired? Time to call up the alumni contacts I had built at IBM and other organizations while I was a student. Then, I stopped.

I need to respond, not react. Pray to my sovereign God and meditate on his word. Realizing how imperfect I am in my relationships with others and myself. My natural characteristics are selfishness, pride, and rivalry. Only by the grace of God can I be loving, composed, and at peace. I fail all the time, but that doesn’t stop me from striving forward to be a man after God’s heart.

This rejection was a very needed reminder of my humanity and the need to fight my sense of entitlement. No matter how much I try to qualify and equip myself for the world, I am still in the hands of God. Remember the church of Ephesus, and don’t forget your first love.

Another rejection, yes. Another obstacle, yes. Another revelation of God’s sovereignty and the trivial pursuit of human decoration.

Any accomplishment going forward....may it reflect the undeserved grace that has been poured onto me.

Examination

I hoped this blog would be utilized to document any adventures I partake in outside of my normal routine. However, in the past few months my situation has been more of isolation. As a result, I have had many opportunities to examine myself.

Recently my good friend's parent passed away. I wondered how to reach out to him. Since I had lost a loved one before, shouldn't it be easier for me than others? Then I realized that the loss of my mother had been isolated within me for so long that I have been subconsciously affected by it to this present day.

It was right before my first winter break in junior high, and I was finishing P.E. getting ready to go home. Suddenly, the school intercom announces: "Jason Tae Hee Lee, please report to the office immediately." Never one to desire attention, I immediately went in fear of having done something wrong. As I get to the office, all the secretaries look at me with pitiful eyes, and I see my father in the corner of the room. He tells me that we need to go to the center where my mother is as this will be the last time I will see her again. As a 12 year old, my reasoning and cognitive abilities were limited as I never truly understood the gravity of the moment; instead, I just did what was expected of me and obeyed authority. So, I go along with my father to the center I have been visiting for the past month, and see my mother practically paralyzed on the bed. I'm told that she can't speak because she's so weak, but can hear everything being said. I ask for my dad and sister to leave the room, as the next 15 minutes will be the last 15 minutes of conversation I will ever have with my mother. What I said in that room will stay in that room, but I remember my mother's tears streaming down her face as my dad and sister came back into the room.

The next few years were the hardest in my life, but I didn't realize it. Instead, I was motivated by very simple things and tried to live as normal a life as I could.

I've been considering how to advise my friend, but I realize that I responded to my mother's death in a way...that I probably would not do again. I isolated myself, unintentionally isolating myself from anything that reminded me of her. No longer walking to school or spending time with my neighbor and one of my best friends Sean, making sure nobody saw me sad, not informing anyone around me about what had happened, avoiding displays of sympathy from others, and closing contact with rituals that were associated with my mom (watering the garden, eating healthy, etc etc). I am thankful in that I became closer with friends I had not spent as much time with, but at the cost of abandoning my old community. So many things happened during those next few years that I feel as though I may still be processing my responses. How I responded has left me very much an isolationist in trials and my approach to many of life's issues today.

Peter, don't be like me and isolate your life. Allow others to partake, learn, and struggle with you. That's what your community is for.

Temporal

I am truly thankful for the disarray, chaos, and dissatisfaction in the environment surrounding me.

Trials make me hold even tighter to God because of the recognition that my reliance is not dependent upon feelings of peace, happiness, and self-fulfillment. Most important is the recognition of my state as a sinner and the necessity for a savior.

In the recent past I have told myself that as a Christian man I must be excellent in all I do. As good as this sounded, I was blind to understand the foundation upon my statement. First, what is the standard measurement I am using to determine excellence? Admittedly, it was the approval, praise, and admiration of men. All of a temporal nature.

Excellence? Quite simple. Looking at the life of Jesus. God in the form of a man to live among his creation and save them. In everything, Jesus was quick to point the glory to his father in heaven. Submission to the will of God and steadfast faithfulness.

May I be excellent.

Random note:

In my daily planner, this quote by Margaret Thatcher came up:

"If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time and you would achieve nothing."