Finals

The dining table.

Jon Kang.

Desperate...

One more final to go!

So, today was quite the day, as far as a finals day can go.

These past few days have been very unrepresentative of my usual schedule as I have been sleeping in the wee hours of the morning (around 3) and waking up 3-4 hours later. This was done all in the pursuit of studying for my final exams. Well, it finally caught with me. This morning I jumped out of bed to proceed to the living room to get some much needed studying before an exam at 11. As I opened up "The Valley of Vision" in order to prepare myself for a short bible study and intense study session, these were the prayers I read:

"Thou hast made man for the glory of thyself,

and when not an instrument of that glory,

he is a thing of nought;

No sin is greater than the sin of unbelief,

for if union with Christ is the greatest good,

unbelief is the greatest sin...

Lord, keep me from committing the greatest sin in departing from him,

for I can never in this life perfectly obey and cleave to Christ.

When thou has takest away my outward blessings, it is for sin,

in not acknowledging that all that I have is of thee,

in not serving thee through what I have,

in making myself secure and hardened.

Lawful blessing are the secret idols, and do more hurt;

the greatest injury is in the having,

the greatest good is in the taking away."

I continued reading for another 2 pages and was in the state of having been rebuked as well as comforted. The final I was about to take, admittedly, I was very unprepared for and dreaded every single minute leading up the exam. Since this class was a math econ auction and choice class for Math Econ majors, I was highly unprepared for the countless equations, baynesian nash equilbriums, expected payments, and participation fees (I was confident with second price auctions, pay-per-click auctions, and top trading cycles). Well, after my timely read and bible study, my body denied me access to my energy; thus, I collapsed on the couch holding a cup of tea and notes in hopes that I would wake up in time and study more. Well, like usual, nothing went to plan, and I rushed to my final on campus.

Three hours later I walked out of the class 15 minutes before everyone was required to turn in the final and was devastated. This was the first time I knew I had almost no idea what I was doing on the final and was absolutely positive that I had done extremely poorly on it. After shooting hoops and complaining about the difficulty of the final with Mark, I was at peace. Shooting hoops and letting out my frustration had little to do with the peace that I had. The peace arose from my complete faith in the sovereignty of God and that regardless of what I do, God's plans will be carried out. So what if I feel that I had just failed my final? So what if I fail the class? So what if I don't graduate summa cum laude? I have the greatest assurance that I can ever have, and that brings me peace.

I had tried my best and studied in hopes of forwarding glory and praise to God. But you know what, I can still do that even if I feel I did poorly on the test. Instead of stressing excellence itself and the danger of the building of my pride; my pursuit of being excellent need only be founded in the one above. All glory goes to my Lord whether I do well or am crushed. For I am a man, and it is a blessing to be crushed because it reminds me of my frail state and need for a savior.