Again, common theme of my life, my life has become comfortable. Urgent things are happening, yet I am not acting like a man with only one life to live and glorify Christ.
This morning as I walked with Jon Kang towards SAC to play Friday morning basketball, the right side of my body became tense and I doubled over with pain. It was as if a crane had come and crushed my right side. As my vision began to become dimmer with the seconds, I could feel something in me flutter over and over again. As I fell down on my knees on the sidewalk, I thought to myself: this is it, I'm leaving this world. As I limped over to the sidewalk to wait for Jon to bring his car to take me to the ER, I watched people pass by me looking at me with confusion, yet going on with their lives. Before heading to the ER I tried to walk to the Ashe center because I knew UCLA's policy was to have students first go to Ashe before any medical center. The 50 yards I walked to the Ashe center (which was closed) and the 50 yards back to Jon's car at the turnaround combined into the most difficult walking, hiking, or running experience in my life. Marathon? nothing. Walking through Spain? nothing. That walk exposed me as a vulnerable, helpless being. Amazingly I made it to Jon's car again, and we headed to the ER.
The next 2 days are kind of a blur to me. Had 3 different operations, one of them in which the doctor made a mistake. 8 chest x-rays. Being pushed through the hallways of the ER on a bed for the first time. Honestly, I cannot write everything that was going through my mind in this blog entry. I was trying to process so many different thoughts racing through my mind. Truthfully speaking, typing is very tiring to me as well as any physical activity.
Missed a case competition for my class, KCM senior banquet, church, and tons of other things in the near future. Man, I was dealing with my helplessness, and...just so much.
Just so I can take notes for future reference (this is for my own comprehension):
-weakness, strength
-assistance
-discipline
-tolerance
-breathing
-running, jumping
-despair
-urgency
-seek
I will be spending the next few days in solitude and in evaluation...
I will respond. God is my refuge, and to be feared.
To be continued with more introspection and a sane mind...
2 comments:
i only heard what happened.. thanks for sharing-- i pray for a safe recovery and a thorough healing process. hope you get better soon, jdawg..
wow God is SO awesome.....! that's all i could think of when i reading your entry! He loves you that much that He'll make you that helpless and weak physically that you'll HAVE to depend on Him. He loves spending time with you; He's so jealous for you :) i'm praying for your recovery here in southern south korea :)
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