Examination

I hoped this blog would be utilized to document any adventures I partake in outside of my normal routine. However, in the past few months my situation has been more of isolation. As a result, I have had many opportunities to examine myself.

Recently my good friend's parent passed away. I wondered how to reach out to him. Since I had lost a loved one before, shouldn't it be easier for me than others? Then I realized that the loss of my mother had been isolated within me for so long that I have been subconsciously affected by it to this present day.

It was right before my first winter break in junior high, and I was finishing P.E. getting ready to go home. Suddenly, the school intercom announces: "Jason Tae Hee Lee, please report to the office immediately." Never one to desire attention, I immediately went in fear of having done something wrong. As I get to the office, all the secretaries look at me with pitiful eyes, and I see my father in the corner of the room. He tells me that we need to go to the center where my mother is as this will be the last time I will see her again. As a 12 year old, my reasoning and cognitive abilities were limited as I never truly understood the gravity of the moment; instead, I just did what was expected of me and obeyed authority. So, I go along with my father to the center I have been visiting for the past month, and see my mother practically paralyzed on the bed. I'm told that she can't speak because she's so weak, but can hear everything being said. I ask for my dad and sister to leave the room, as the next 15 minutes will be the last 15 minutes of conversation I will ever have with my mother. What I said in that room will stay in that room, but I remember my mother's tears streaming down her face as my dad and sister came back into the room.

The next few years were the hardest in my life, but I didn't realize it. Instead, I was motivated by very simple things and tried to live as normal a life as I could.

I've been considering how to advise my friend, but I realize that I responded to my mother's death in a way...that I probably would not do again. I isolated myself, unintentionally isolating myself from anything that reminded me of her. No longer walking to school or spending time with my neighbor and one of my best friends Sean, making sure nobody saw me sad, not informing anyone around me about what had happened, avoiding displays of sympathy from others, and closing contact with rituals that were associated with my mom (watering the garden, eating healthy, etc etc). I am thankful in that I became closer with friends I had not spent as much time with, but at the cost of abandoning my old community. So many things happened during those next few years that I feel as though I may still be processing my responses. How I responded has left me very much an isolationist in trials and my approach to many of life's issues today.

Peter, don't be like me and isolate your life. Allow others to partake, learn, and struggle with you. That's what your community is for.